ARB Mediation Services answers the need for a knowledgeable neutral who understands the unspoken messages and context inherent in communication. The business and legal communities of South Florida celebrate how diverse we are, and yet how similar, which is why you want someone with good relationship building skills who can quickly establish the trust necessary to achieve a resolution of the issues. Choosing a mediator, or any kind of arbiter of a dispute, is an important component of the settlement strategy. You want someone you can count on to treat your clients with respect, and maintain a level of dignity throughout the proceedings while still pursuing creative solutions.




Insights from a Good Listener: An Ongoing Blog


  • 28Sep

    When you speak, you tell a story to your listeners. Every story needs to have a beginning, a middle and an end. A climax and a finish. That way, your listener is clued in to what is going on and the story reaches a logical conclusion. The listener isn’t left hanging, waiting for whatever comes next. The best way to do this is to follow three simple rules: Say it; say it again; say what you said. This translates into; 1) Tell people what you are going to talk about, i.e. three main points; 2) make the points, embellishing on them to make them interesting; 3) review and sum up what you told them, and personalize your message.

    Now, you’ve made it easy to follow along with your story, your logic, and your conclusion. Your beginning sets the stage, introduces the characters and tells us where we are in the story. You bring us current, give the story a location and provide the placement of it within our lives. You’ve just set the context within which we will hear what you tell us.

     As you make your points, add sufficient detail to supply brush strokes to the characters or the information, but not so much as to drown out the storyline. Everybody needs to know why they are being asked to do something, as when you are explaining an assignment. You create efficiency by supplying knowledge of the bigger picture, and the way to do that is to supply the story, the context in which each person has a role and a function.

     Once you’ve told your story, focus on the main message, and review it with your listener. If you were asking them to do something, sum up the request. If you were thanking them, do so again, using different words if possible. And then, just finish. Do not keep rambling on because you can’t think of how to stop. Just stop speaking, nod your head, and know that you have successfully made your point.

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  • 22Sep

    Now that I am immersed in mediating disputes, those same skills are being called upon in another area of my life, as the co-creator of the Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur services for the West Broward Jewish Center with Rabbi Bernie Presler.  The ability to peruse vast amounts of material, synthesize the essential lessons, mix in a little of this and that, and present it in an appetizing way, is really quite similar. I love doing it. This year, the services came alive as I had 19 children parade up to the microphone and utter their lines - straight out of the Dalai Lama’s Instructions for Life! At a minimum, each child will certainly remember the lesson on the one they read. Continue reading »

  • 18Sep

    The first step was deciding that you want to pay attention to what you are hearing [that is, you are willing to listen to what someone else is saying] and so you set a specific time to do so. Now, what do you do? The act of listening is not easy to do, but it is easy to learn. One of the most important tools in the arsenal of listening, is repeating. In other words, when somebody says a sentence to you, say it back to them. If you need to, start with, “I heard you say…..” and then say what you heard. You would be amazed at how difficult this is for some people to do. But you would also find the effect it has on people to be quite extraordinary. People actually lose their aggression and hostility when they think they’ve been heard, when they feel that someone paid attention to their words. And then, the more sentences you repeat, the more you start to hear the words, and more importantly, understand what the person is really trying to say.

    So much of conversation is perception, often wrong, about the nuances in tone, sentence structure and gesture. When we repeat back the sentences we heard, we hear them devoid of perceived tone. We, in turn, don’t overreact to what we thought we heard. The whole conversation becomes clearer.

     As both sides do this, the results magnify. Suddenly, disputes disappear and dialog takes its place. This works in workplace settings as well as in family or relationship disputes. If the parties can’t achieve this on their own, that’s why people like me exist, to help facilitate a dialogue that makes both sides feel validated. Validation is vindication, and then people can move on.

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  • 12Sep

    It’s 5:30 on a Friday afternoon, and I just got off the phone with a woman lawyer who gives me a lot of business. The fact that I was able to reach her at this hour is because I know when to call. She likes to work late on Friday afternoons when everyone else has gone home and she can get caught up. It’s when she’s most relaxed and available. 

    She was the lawyer on one side of a very contentious mediation I handled, and I was able to settle it by knowing when to reach her. It wasn’t while she, a one-woman law firm, was conducting depositions at the Public Defender’s office, with announcements squawking in the background every other minute. No, I arranged that she would call me after she finished a big hearing, which she did while she was driving across the state on Alligator Alley (which, for anyone who hasn’t done it, means there are no cars and no distractions, just a ribbon of road through the Everglades.) She was calm, she was attentive, and she was willing to listen. Continue reading »

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  • 10Sep

    There comes that time in mediation that calls for the moment of truth. That recognition that everything is on the line and here is where you are standing. Recently, that came down to the look in their eyes when they saw my hand make a circle to depict “zero”, repeated emphatically, to demonstrate where they actually were standing right now, not at the millions in the wife’s head.

    It helped that I had a senior company representative on the other side who gets ‘it’, who understood me when I said, “Find something to offer to him emotionally” and he did. He came up with back pay sufficient to reach the coveted 30 year mark at the company, complete with the ring, to allow this man’s service, and service to his country be valued.

    It almost didn’t happen. This ‘ginormous’ company’s in-house lawyer was so pessimistic about his client “budging on the numbers” that he had already hired a very successful, and awesome, local counsel to undertake full scale litigation. In truth, I used this fact as a very persuasive reason to settle, so it actually helped me get this thing resolved.

    Local counsel later let me know that the company’s lawyer was extremely complimentary about how I got the case settled, which is always nice to know. I like to leave both sides satisfied, if not with the amounts, then with being able to end it and reach a solution they can live with.

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  • 03Nov

    Facilitation is the art of controlling a room full of angry, disgruntled people who all feel entitled to something, and having something productive come out of the time spent together. It’s the in term for what used to be good, old-fashioned negotiating between a lot of different interests. These days, it is a lot more important to make sure that all the rules of meeting protocol are followed, to demonstrate compliance with a legal sense of fairness.

    My favorite example of the usefulness of facilitation is something I did years before the term was in vogue.

    Continue reading »

  • 03Nov

    Many people spend time and energy trying to get their personal lives and relationships in order, but experience a disconnect when it comes to their business or professional side. The same principles which work for personal relationships can be applied to the business environment.

    Mediation provides the framework for what I call “business counselling” and uses the same principles: Good communication; listening and respecting each party’s viewpoint; airing grievances; finding common ground; and moving forward. Business counselling works in many different situations, such as between partners in a business, and among managers and employees.

     Here are three things to consider whether this type of business counselling is right for you:

    Continue reading »

  • 12Sep

    Most of us impart information to others on a regular basis. We do so when making a speech, giving instructions, having a conversation. Politicians particularly need to make a compelling case with their words, and there’s some politics in almost every occupation. So how to make your words so compelling they inspire the listener into action?

    People experience things in one of three ways: visually, aurally, or through feelings. When speaking, it is important to take this into account, and 1) paint pictures with words; 2) speak with inflection and emotion; and 3) personalize the stories so that the listener can relate on an emotional level. It is always more meaningful to use an example about yourself or another person as a way of creating a bond with the audience.

    Continue reading »

   

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Recent Comments

  • cant w8 to try it on my business...
  • I want to thank the blogger very much not only for this post...
  • Are you a professional journalist? You write very well....
  • good content...
  • Great article . Will definitely copy it to my site.Thanks....