Now, you’ve made it easy to follow along with your story, your logic, and your conclusion. Your beginning sets the stage, introduces the characters and tells us where we are in the story. You bring us current, give the story a location and provide the placement of it within our lives. You’ve just set the context within which we will hear what you tell us.

 As you make your points, add sufficient detail to supply brush strokes to the characters or the information, but not so much as to drown out the storyline. Everybody needs to know why they are being asked to do something, as when you are explaining an assignment. You create efficiency by supplying knowledge of the bigger picture, and the way to do that is to supply the story, the context in which each person has a role and a function.

 Once you’ve told your story, focus on the main message, and review it with your listener. If you were asking them to do something, sum up the request. If you were thanking them, do so again, using different words if possible. And then, just finish. Do not keep rambling on because you can’t think of how to stop. Just stop speaking, nod your head, and know that you have successfully made your point.

 My role in this service has evolved from merely reading the English portions and inspirational stories to picking what parts of what stories (those writers can be long-winded) and tying several of them together in one lesson. Usually I follow an inspirational theme with some ways of taking action to achieve that goal, to move in that direction. When I recently updated parts of this web site, I saw that I use the words, “move forward” and “move on” a lot. It has become part of my mantra, because I believe that we only have a finite amount of time on the Earth, and we don’t even know how long that will be, so use it UP! To spend time in a dispute or in anger is a waste.  

Saturday’s theme, on the first day of Rosh HaShana was forgiveness, as in seeking to mend old disputes and in forgiving yourself. I included a riveting tale about a sister who reconciled with her brother, including their children, cousins who had never met before, on the Sunday before Sept. 11, 2001. He worked for Cantor Fitzgerald, and didn’t survive. She would say, don’t make excuses, do it NOW!

The second day was about creating change in your life, with seven daily activities, including “have fun”, as a recipe for living life fully. We were over 200 people on Saturday, and by now many families keep coming back year after year, making us a congregation. I look forward to seeing how this service continues to evolve, as we do.

When it was all over and I got home, the rest of the family had scattered. So who did I do the rehash with? My across the street, very religious Christian great neighbor, who thoroughly understood my elated feeling of accomplishment in helping others to feel spiritually and religiously connected. I find that people are far more similar than different, for the act of having faith leads to greater understanding and recognition by people of different faiths.

So much of conversation is perception, often wrong, about the nuances in tone, sentence structure and gesture. When we repeat back the sentences we heard, we hear them devoid of perceived tone. We, in turn, don’t overreact to what we thought we heard. The whole conversation becomes clearer.

 As both sides do this, the results magnify. Suddenly, disputes disappear and dialog takes its place. This works in workplace settings as well as in family or relationship disputes. If the parties can’t achieve this on their own, that’s why people like me exist, to help facilitate a dialogue that makes both sides feel validated. Validation is vindication, and then people can move on.

She was the lawyer on one side of a very contentious mediation I handled, and I was able to settle it by knowing when to reach her. It wasn’t while she, a one-woman law firm, was conducting depositions at the Public Defender’s office, with announcements squawking in the background every other minute. No, I arranged that she would call me after she finished a big hearing, which she did while she was driving across the state on Alligator Alley (which, for anyone who hasn’t done it, means there are no cars and no distractions, just a ribbon of road through the Everglades.) She was calm, she was attentive, and she was willing to listen.

This is the same piece of advice I give my kids, when they are trying to get their Dad to agree to something. You have to know when to ask. It isn’t the moment he walks in the house, or the minute before he leaves to go somewhere. Now, my daughter will text him and say, when can we talk, and he does the same with her. Without actually realizing it, they are making appointments, clueing the other person in that at the appointed hour, you will need to pay attention, you will need to be willing to listen.

 In mediation in general, I find that people appreciate the fact that I listen. It seems to be lacking in most of our lives; therefore, one important aspect of moving to resolution is the seemingly simple act of hearing what someone else is saying. When you know that someone has heard you, you feel better, more at ease, and willing to relax. You can let go of the adversarial stance and move into a state of willingness to reach agreement. See for yourself. Make a date to listen.

It helped that I had a senior company representative on the other side who gets ‘it’, who understood me when I said, “Find something to offer to him emotionally” and he did. He came up with back pay sufficient to reach the coveted 30 year mark at the company, complete with the ring, to allow this man’s service, and service to his country be valued.

It almost didn’t happen. This ‘ginormous’ company’s in-house lawyer was so pessimistic about his client “budging on the numbers” that he had already hired a very successful, and awesome, local counsel to undertake full scale litigation. In truth, I used this fact as a very persuasive reason to settle, so it actually helped me get this thing resolved.

Local counsel later let me know that the company’s lawyer was extremely complimentary about how I got the case settled, which is always nice to know. I like to leave both sides satisfied, if not with the amounts, then with being able to end it and reach a solution they can live with.

My favorite example of the usefulness of facilitation is something I did years before the term was in vogue.

It was my job to bring together 22 different garbage companies in Dade County and get them to agree to jointly fund a settlement which mostly benefited their most hated rival. I assembled all the owners of these companies in a room. Needless to say I was the only woman. I wore my gray pin-stripe power dress.

Ignoring conventional wisdom, I let them vent for an hour before taking charge. They ranted and occasionally cursed, always accompanied with a ‘begging your pardon’. I smiled kindly. After they said all they had to say, I firmly laid out the none too pleasant alternatives to my suggestion, and got them all to go along. It took another two weeks to wrap up all the details and get signed settlement documents and payments.

It was one of the most satisfying moments of my career, because I found myself utilizing a power I didn’t know I had. That was the catalyst which propelled me into dispute resolution.

Many people spend time and energy trying to get their personal lives and relationships in order, but experience a disconnect when it comes to their business or professional side. The same principles which work for personal relationships can be applied to the business environment.

Mediation provides the framework for what I call “business counselling” and uses the same principles: Good communication; listening and respecting each party’s viewpoint; airing grievances; finding common ground; and moving forward. Business counselling works in many different situations, such as between partners in a business, and among managers and employees.

 Here are three things to consider whether this type of business counselling is right for you:

 1. There are niggling annoyances that continue to increase; each new annoyance grows and gnaws at your insides, yet you are reluctant to discuss then with your partner, or you’ve tried to and been ignored.

 2. There are major issues which can have legal ramifications if not dealt with.

 3. You feel a desire to make change, but don’t know what kind. You can’t quite pinpoint why you no longer seem satisfied with the way things are, but you know that something is missing.

My role is often that of translator, taking what one person says and translating it into language the other understands. I also help deflect conflicts and find a neutral way of expressing a concern deeply felt by one person about which the other may not even be aware.

Most people prefer to avoid conflict, but a ‘bury your head in the sand’ approach is a recipe for disaster. Much better would be to use an effective third party to help iron out differences and encourage each participant to address the issues. Often the business can be saved, a much less costly alternative to splitting up an existing partnership.

 In each instance, business counselling can resolve the tensions which have been building up in the business relationship. What you often see as niggling annoyances may actually be symptoms of a deeper problem. Once the real issue is uncovered and addressed, the annoyances tend to vanish. Maybe a new system needs to be establishes which would eliminate the issue in the future. A review of other existing procedures is often in order as a way of identifying problem areas, then correcting them. Because this is done in a non-judgmental environment, change is more likely to occur. Because the key players are the ones ultimately making the decisions to implement changes, they are more likely to succeed.

People experience things in one of three ways: visually, aurally, or through feelings. When speaking, it is important to take this into account, and 1) paint pictures with words; 2) speak with inflection and emotion; and 3) personalize the stories so that the listener can relate on an emotional level. It is always more meaningful to use an example about yourself or another person as a way of creating a bond with the audience.

Once this fundamental identification is established, the next step is to reach someone viscerally, to have them moved by your words. This is accomplished by using simple but powerful phrases, which are repeated and embellished upon. By drawing the listener in step by step, the eventual conclusion seems obvious. Rather than getting bogged down in details, which comes across as minutiae and is much too detailed for the average listener to follow, it is better to provide the vision, the end goal objective. By inspiring the listener and getting them enthused in the objective, the listener is more motivated to take the action to get there. Plus, it is a given that when you have the picture fixed in your mind of what you want to achieve, it is easier to take the steps to make it happen.